The tiny camper table was cluttered. I smiled to myself as I moved wine glasses and baseball caps out of my way. I set my computer in the created space and grabbed bottle of organic tea. I spun the top and started to open the computer. I needed to get some things from my mind to the page. Before I opened the top the dogs sensed my heart and forced themselves into the tiny floor space at my feet. Somehow they know when I need their presence. They drifted off to sleep as I left the laptop closed, sat back on the table bench and stared out the window.
A maze of tie down strings at the tired row of oleanders lined the driveway. The camper had already been winterized. I was thankful the door had not been covered. It gave me a space. I needed a space.
My dear one was out fixing the needing-fixed parts of the place. The kindness of the camper blessed me as the quiet engulfed me and More >
I stood still, coffee cup in hand. The just-before-dawn darkness silenced my soul. I knew it was momentary, for my girl is an early riser, and since I was in her space, I got to discover the sunrise again . . . and again. The stars faded as the dogs shook off the night and ran around my feet–and hers. We laughed as they jumped on and tugged at and trashed their toys. German Shepherds are considered dangerous, but these? The worst they would do is permanently quiet the tap of a rain bird sprinkler.
I laughed at the three puppies playing tag around our legs as I sipped the strong brew. My girl called to the beasts, giggling as they bounded around her. I watched her for a moment as she abandoned herself to her love of the creature, and then I headed for the kitchen. My cup was empty.
The sun lightened the horizon as I lightened my coffee with cream. The light filled the yard, More >
I dropped sack full of leftover spices into the back window of my Tahoe and pulled against the hydraulic lift. The window snapped shut as I waved at my friend sitting in his truck -hitched to his horse trailer full of my things. He started his engine and waited for me to load my body into the driver’s seat.
My journey into psychological abuse had come to an end.
I had no regret in leaving that little town. I had never belonged there.
I opened my truck door and took one last look behind me. It was over. Thank God.
I turned the key and waited for the truck and trailer to pull out in front of me. It was fitting that I ride behind. I wanted to be sure I had no more losses. He headed out and I followed, watching to be sure nothing went awry.
The truth is my whole life had gone awry. Broken promises, calculated abandonment and deceptive actions had steered my heart off course. More >
I stood in the light of the rising sun as it cut through the opening and warmed my face. I breathed deeply of the clear air and drank in the light. The night had been dark. So dark I had wondered if I would ever see light again.
My Abba had come to me and asked me to go where he would take me. His face had been gentle, but where was a truth of pain in omniscient eyes. I did not refuse him. I was never able to refuse him. He had done so much for me I could not imagine refusing him. How could I say no to the one who had given his life so that I could be free?
He led me into out of my safe place and into the woods until we descended into a damp, dark, slippery tunnel. I was nervous without light, my steps unsure on the wet stone beneath me…but he was there with me, giving direction for every step.
I did not always trust his guidance.
I had fallen more than once, smacking my More >
We wandered through the preschool life, toy strewn house, I pushed books and blocks this way and that as we headed for his bedroom. He held my body as tight as tiny hands can, his head firmly planted on my shoulder. He was tired and he needed gramma’s tenderness.
I sent my grand princess to tidy the books we had been reading and went through the door into his little boy cave. An appropriately dark crib sat against the wall, pictures of footballs looming over it. Except for his favorite stuffed monkey and blanket crowding the mattress corner, the bed was cool sheet empty. I brushed pillows and a stuffed giraffe off the crib-side rocking chair and sat down. His arms tightened around my shoulders even as his body started to relax. He needed to be close.
I found his music on my iphone and pushed play.
The melody is gentle, the words so utterly true….
I love you up to the moon. More >