He met me there on my bed. He does that often, coming to me in the place I hide. My bed is my refuge. Has been for more time than I can remember. When I lay there, in the dark, with my covers up and my heart hidden, I am me. There is no judgement there, no one staring at my form or my words or my abilities or my anything. I am just there.
The dark surrounded me as I sought to hear his voice. It was cool, but too still for my agitated soul. I wanted to know that I was not lost.
I felt lost.
I held my own hands as I asked.
“Abba, where are we going? I feel so much like I have lost the path. Without it I keep tripping and wondering around in circles. I fall often these days. I am spirit soiled.”
He sat beside me before I opened my eyes. His robe, always white linen, glowed softly, radiating a light that soaked through my blankets, and through me. He pulled back the More >
My knees Buckled.
I knelt to the floor in my new living room. I didn’t expect it. I thought I would just keep at it until I finally succeeded. It takes work to get things done. I am not afraid of work.
I have never been unable before.
I put my hands on my knees and rubbed the tops of my thighs. My heart was pounding and my chin quivered.
I was not in a place of danger. The house was safe, quiet, a refuge needed after a year of struggle. I had made it out of the difficulties, not without heart scratches and soul wounds, but alive.
And now I was trying again.
I was nauseous. My throat closed. Tears, frustrated and not a just little angry carved a path down my cheeks. I clenched my teeth to keep my chin still.
I was undone.
I did not know what to do.
And I was mad about it.
I leaned forward far enough to toss a log onto the fire. It caught and popped as the flame More >
I live by words.
They rain on me. Everywhere I walk. or stand, or lay, a whirlwind of words swirls in my thoughts. They are on the pages of my study books. They color the papers I write. They hang in the air in every conversation. . . wielding power in my life. They grab my attention and they tickle my funny places. They bring me to tears and they drag me to joy. They accost me and drag me to places I would rather not go. They soothe me and comfort me when the pain they cause is too much to bear.
Words. Such power.
I had finally settled. One more move. Temporary. Again.
My coffee steamed my nose as I stepped and drank at the same time. Those dogs are impatient when it comes to going out in the cool air of the not yet risen sun. I lowered my cup and turned the knob. The beasts sat in a semi-circle trying to hold back semi-wiggles. I gave them a couple of letters. “OK.” More >
I stood at the bookcases. They sit in the corner of the dining room, two large black squares with nine inner squares, one encasing my theory Theology, the other my mystic Theology. The books were dusty. I wondered absently if I should bother to dust them before I begin packing. My brain popped with the need to get started, though I knew I would finish in a day.
I am not taking much.
I slowed my popcorn brain and turned slowly in a circle. Eight months. I had come to this house a winter ago. It was empty, a bit smelly and in need of copious amounts of improvement. I never imagined I would leave so soon.
Confusion pricked my chest and I took a deep breath. I came here to start a ministry. I came to set up a place for those who would learn of leadership, those who wanted to leave one day with a heart of wisdom and a life that had been filled with love.
But then, just five More >
My girls touch my heart. They love me, and I know they love me. They listen and they pray and they give great words to soothe my soul…or show me that I am oh so wrong in my spirit…I can trust them.
They left with gentle hugs and loving words. We, all of us, individually and corporately, have been in a state of flux. The kind of flux that leaves us trying to find solid ground a as the world is wavy and wiggly, shifting side to side. Our lives are changing. They are morphing into a new time. It is a time to let go, and a time to grab on.
Endings and Beginnings.
I closed the door behind them and suddenly longed for a hot, steamy, creamy cup of coffee. Coffee settles my mind and makes me be still. I think it is the heat of it tickling my nose as I lift it to my lips. Medicine for my soul. I warmed a cup and sat down in my favorite chair. My Bible open, I wanted to read.
I was More >