I stood at the bookcases. They sit in the corner of the dining room, two large black squares with nine inner squares, one encasing my theory Theology, the other my mystic Theology. The books were dusty. I wondered absently if I should bother to dust them before I begin packing. My brain popped with the need to get started, though I knew I would finish in a day.
I am not taking much.
I slowed my popcorn brain and turned slowly in a circle. Eight months. I had come to this house a winter ago. It was empty, a bit smelly and in need of copious amounts of improvement. I never imagined I would leave so soon.
Confusion pricked my chest and I took a deep breath. I came here to start a ministry. I came to set up a place for those who would learn of leadership, those who wanted to leave one day with a heart of wisdom and a life that had been filled with love.
But then, just five More >
My girls touch my heart. They love me, and I know they love me. They listen and they pray and they give great words to soothe my soul…or show me that I am oh so wrong in my spirit…I can trust them.
They left with gentle hugs and loving words. We, all of us, individually and corporately, have been in a state of flux. The kind of flux that leaves us trying to find solid ground a as the world is wavy and wiggly, shifting side to side. Our lives are changing. They are morphing into a new time. It is a time to let go, and a time to grab on.
Endings and Beginnings.
I closed the door behind them and suddenly longed for a hot, steamy, creamy cup of coffee. Coffee settles my mind and makes me be still. I think it is the heat of it tickling my nose as I lift it to my lips. Medicine for my soul. I warmed a cup and sat down in my favorite chair. My Bible open, I wanted to read.
I was More >
I did not want her to see how angry I was, so I stood quiet.
She was weeping those tears that come from a heart that has faced the truth.
Her husband would not become a man.
I comforted her, told her I loved her and told her that her community would stand beside her. I made her promise to check in with me every 24 hours until she could breathe without it hurting. I looked around took note of what she would need. Then I took a deep breath and got in my truck to head home.
I backed out of her driveway and took the first corner before I let the Lord have it.
I ranted. I raved. I yelled at the steering wheel. I bit my lip to hold back tears but I cried anyway. I clenched my jaw and I gripped the steering wheel.
All the while one thought ran through my mind.
WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN???
I had been in her shoes 5 years before. Standing in the place of facing the fact that my husband More >
It was quiet in the little town. Redwoods jutted behind shake roofs sitting atop age old buildings cracked with the need of siding and paint. Two blocks lined with little shops. We walked and we drove and we ate Italian food until I determined I would not need to eat again forever…
All the while, I listened to the memories of my girl. She smiled and she laughed and she cried some as she remembered her days gone by. Her memories stirred my past up into a cloud of what was and what should have been.
And my heart hurt.
I don’t like to remember some things.
But our journey though her history forced me to do so. I had been unwittingly tied into the past and could not undo the knot. I tugged and pulled and frayed its edges. I scratched at the ropes. I pulled my wrists until the rope of my unresolved experience rubbed me raw. The failure to escape frustrated my heart to the point of More >
The heat, long distant for so many months, suddenly banged on my back deck until the house fairly melted under the beating. Surprise attack gave the sun extra force as my kitchen windows are not yet fit with proper shields. The living and dining room, safe within their shaded trees, provided a reverie from the sudden upsurge in temperature. The kitchen, however, gave in to the onslaught and fell in its oppression. Lack of shade burned the windows until they gave to the heat and warmed my favorite room. It was sweaty in there.
I traipsed through, knowing the thicker air would stick to me as I went out the door. The deck was sunshine hot, and absolutely unforgiving of my bare feet. I slipped into my flip flops and headed down the stairs.
There was beauty under that heat. Beauty in danger of drying up in its surprise attack.
I rounded the bottom step and stopped at the half More >