Its cold. Its warm. Its cold. Its warm.
The air can’t make up it’s mind. Morning chill gives way to warming rays. The giant sugar pines give way to the cooling gusts and the rays lose thier heat. The afternoon sun warms the air. The evening stars poke out the heat.
I get it.
I couldn’t make up my mind either.
I sat on my deck, a cup of tea steaming in my hands and Bible balanced on my robe.
What would I believe?
Is God faithful or is he not?
The question is sacrirligious. No one says it out loud. It is the evidence of a miniscule faith, the proof of immaturity. Those who ask such a base question have obviously weak belief, no trust, and are blind to all that God has done in thier lives.
I stared at the sunlight glowing off Mt. Shasta as I pondered the question of my soul.
Could I trust?
I wanted to. I tried to. I set out to. I gripped the truth of the More >
It was cold.
Not just cold. It was that nose can tell when your warm breath exits cold.
I woke up and rubbed my face, then turned over to spot the clock sitting on my nightstand…but saw blackness.
The power was out.
I sighed one of those sighs that accepts defeat. I was completely unable to change my circumstance. Utterly helpless.
I grabbed my phone and checked the time.
I pursed my lips to push back the irritation trying to form a knot in my throat. My lips won but the irritation called frustration in as a reinforcement. Together they spun my chest until my jaw had to tighten in defense.
I pushed back the covers and grabbed my robe. The house sat dumb under the relentless noise of the pelting rain as I headed for my files. I dropped my bum into my office chair (which is really a princess chair, but at that moment I would have traded it for a small heater at my More >
I kept my eyes on the floor. It was made of opulent marble, gold and white swirls painiting a pattern so intrricate I cold not find its beginning and end. It was spotless and so shiney I could see the look in my own eyes as I slowly approached. My hands trembled with want, and my knees, they were sort of a mix between rubber and jello.
I was not afraid.
But I didn’t know what else to do.
The room was enormous. I was small.
I knew I was welcome. I knew I would be greeted with love. I knew I could say anything and not only be heard, but what I said would be considered. I knew that any tear that fell would be caught and stored in a bottle, for my tears matter to him. I knew I could fall on my knees and he would join me there, strong arms extended and scarred hands ready to brush back my hair. I knew.
Still, I could not raise my eyes.
When I reached the thrones, I More >
Hundreds of women gathered together under an incredible teacher. Hundreds of women who were longing to hear from our Abba. Together, we sang, we ate, and we sought.
I was there six hours. Six hours of listening.
And I heard two words.
I didn’t want to let my heart show. The words had pierced it and it was leaking all over my thoughts. I smiled and chatted with my girls. I waved at friends across the room and hugged the ones near me. I laughed as we talked.
But my heart was dripping.
When it was over I went to my boy’s birthday. I watched as my daughter’s husband celebrated 25 years of life. We ate pizza and cake in between jokes and stories that left us giggling.
But my heart leak started to split and so I had to go.
I didn’t want to let it show.
I made it home and inside before the piercing was so painful it made me cry. I let the beasts out and made More >
The air stirred around my neck and across my cheeks. It had that scent of fresh moisture that produces a combination of enjoyment and foreboding. The clouds swaggered over the mountaintops and settled in the crevices, thickening their muscles by their sheer numbers.
A storm was brewing.
I watched the wonders of nature come together before my eyes as I felt its impact in the goose bumps on my skin. The air picked up my hair and warned me that it was gaining force and would soon lose its kindness.
I tapped my leg and the beasts came up the steps to my deck. They did not need to be out in the fury. They stationed themselves behind me and we watched a moment longer. Darkness was looming, promising to blanket the clouds and hide their actions. Still, I could feel their intention. My mountain was about to get wet. Very wet.
I ushered the dogs inside and poured a cup of hot coffee. More >